Big Society: Good afternoon, Lord Chancellor. Any “xenophobic and legal nonsense” being cooked up today in The House?
Lord Chancellor: Good afternoon, Big Society. While I had anticipated that I might be doing something with George at the Department of Business, that has gone by the board to accommodate dear old Vince. I am, however, delighted to be at the Ministry of Justice. I am a Bencher of my Inn and my legal experience should, after all, give me a bit of a head start in my new department. It is not as if I will need to read Law made Simple unlike Theresa over at the Home Office.
Big Society: Indeed. Did your predecessor leave you a letter saying that there was no money left?
Lord Chancellor: hahaha… no… nothing like that… although there was an absurdly large report on the reform of Civil Justice in the drawer with some very amusing comments in the margins.
Big Society: So.. you’ll be getting down to business, trawling through american websites, to see where you can buy pre-fabricated prisons and prison ships to accommodate all the “have a go heroes” who don’t quite come within the provisions of Theresa May’s new ‘Good Samaritan’ law?
Lord Chancellor: We will have to wait for the draft legislation on this. I suspect it will not be that different from the present law by the time she finds time to get around to it. She has rather more pressing matters to attend to.
Big Society: Indeed. Been boning up on the unwritten British Constitution and your Human Rights Law? Your predecessor, Charlie Falconer was accused of designing the new Supreme Court on the back of a fag packet over whisky with Tony Blair. Are we going to be seeing reports of you enjoying a beer and a large cigar with David Cameron and then revealing a Bill of Rights with so many holes in it that even a recidivistic first year law student with a bad hangover could see the problems?
Lord Chancellor: Hahaha. No, I think I can safely say the the future of our constitution is safe and the Human Rights laws will also be in safe hands. Government tends to bring about a re-assessment of the more ambitious manifesto claims.
Big Society: The Coalition agreement talks about repealing a raft of laws, preserving the right to jury trial and curtailing the misuse of anti-terror legislation. You are going to be fairly busy are you not?
Lord Chancellor: Modifying a statement I made some time back… I have certainly not got re-elected to retire, and I shall certainly start trying to push my influence in government as far as I possibly can
Big Society: You said some time ago..and I quote..“The Conservative Party have got to ask themselves, ‘How do we persuade people who at the moment are voting Labour and Liberal Democrat to vote Conservative?” It seems that your party pulled a blinder and didn’t need to get the people who voted Lib-Dem to vote Conservative, they just had to persuade the people who the voters voted for to come in with you.
Lord Chancellor: Hahaha. We live in remarkable and interesting times, Big Society.
Big Society: You are a Big Beast in political terms and Cameron took a risk in putting you back on the shadow front bench, given your well known views on Europe. Not a great deal of European dimension in the Ministry of Justice is there?
Lord Chancellor: No… I don’t think I’ll be troubling our friends in Europe on too many Justice issues… but a re-shuffle may come along soon… and…modifying something else I said some time ago… of course I’d have loved to be Chancellor or Business Secrtary. But I’m not nursing a grievance. I’ve got to go…. The Chairman of the Bar wants to talk to me about legal aid and a few other matters.
Big Society: Good luck… he knows what he’s talking about.
Lord Chancellor: Indeed… we’ll have another chat soon, Big Society
Big Society: I’m always here.
Lawyer’s disclaimer! All, well some it, entirely fictitious and made up… obviously.