BIG SOCIETY HOUSE: 2.05 PM – THERESA MAY IS IN THE DIARY ROOM
The part of Big Society was played by Charon. Natasha Phillips, author of the Divorce Manual blog
Big Society: Hello, Theresa. How are you settling in?
May: Hello. It’s tough, but I am tough and I will and can be tough when tough is needed.
Big Society: Do you like being at The Home Office? You haven’t got much experience of Law & Order. Not really your field is it…you’re more of an equalities person aren’t you? Let’s see… you voted against repealing section 28, voted against lowering the age of consent in homosexual relationships to 16, voted against gay adoption rights, voted against The Human Fertilization and Human Embryology Bill which would give lesbian couples the ability to receive fertility treatment . Quite an impressive record for a Minister of the Crown holding an equalities portfolio…. can we expect this ‘Midas touch in reverse’ pattern to continue in your thinking at The Home Office…?
May: Well that was…. then… now is different…. we are in a game-changing coalition situation situation where the national interest takes precedence over personal interests… I want to be known as a “tough” Home Secretary. I think I am tough and willing to be tough when necessary,” she says. “I’m down to earth and that’s important. What I hope, in terms of me, is that people will be able to say she was tough but fair.
Big Society: Some of the crowd outside the Big Society House are asking if you and Chris Grayling are thinking of setting up a Bed & Breakfast business together. Are you?
May: That is a ridiculous question. Dave said that people have to start looking up to politicians again and I am a very tough Home Secretary, so don’t get lippy with me…. I want RESPECT! And..another thing, people were surprised when I was made Home Secretary… let me say that there is no truth in the tweets on twitter that the old Tory grandees saw the words ‘Home’ and ‘Secretary’ and thought…’Ah…Give it to Theresa.. the one with the leopard skin kitten heels’. No truth at all.
Big Society: Theresa, It can be very pressurised in The House… it is only Day 4… calm down. Have you got any sensible ideas which you wish to implement at the Home Office?
May: Yes, we want to create a climate where people can kill burglars in their own homes and tell yobs to ‘shut it’ without fear of being beaten up by them… in fact, we are going to enact a ‘Good Samaritan’ law so that ordinary members of the public can beat up young thugs, yobbos and benefit scroungers on the make without fear of prosecution. We think this will make ordinary people feel much safer in their homes.
Big Society: Do you really think it is a good idea to empower people to ‘have a go’ themselves? What if they do so, encouraged by the Home Office, and get killed or injured in doing so?
May: Well, of course, we’re not suggesting that everyone will want to be a ‘Good Samaritan’ and beat up thugs, yobbos and benefit scroungers, but if they do and survive, we should reward them by not prosecuting them for murder or assault in our courts. My plans will also reduce police costs and that is very much in the national interest.
Big Society: Yes…..how are your plans going to put more Police on the streets by cutting the police budgets?
May: We are going to reduce costs by cutting down on the evidence… sorry… paperwork….. that Police officers have to provide. This means that there will be more of them on the streets than there are now with fewer policemen. People will feel safer when they are out beating up thugs, yobbos and benefit scroungers.
Big Society: So your thinking is highly developed then?
May: I like to think so. I am tough. I can and will be tough. We are going to empower people and control our Police better by replacing highly professional senior Police Chiefs with a rag bag of nutters voted for by the general public. We saw how well the hung parliament worked when people got what they wanted… our game-changing Coalition… being able to choose their own local nutter to run their local Police force will empower people and get me off the hook, because I will be able to hold the people to account for not doing ‘their’ job. Simples. Tough love, would you not agree? I’d better get back to The House…. I have to read a Nutshell book on Criminal law so I’ve got a vague idea about what I can and can’t repeal. Nice talking to you..and… as Dixon of Dock Green used to say when people felt safe in their houses killing burglars… mind how you go.
Big Society: Bye, Theresa, You know you can come and talk to us any time you wish.
Lawyer’s disclaimer! All, well some it, entirely fictitious and made up… obviously.