I am grateful, at this time of the ‘Great Snows’, to be offered the opportunity by my brother Charon QC to speak directly to you…the people of Britain. While my brother persists with the delusion that he is a socialist, I take a rather more pragmatic line. It is certainly true that I became an MP at the height of Mr Blair’s popularity in 1997 and I remember, with almost a wistful tear in my eye, the scenes as a young Tony Blair walked into Downing Street. This was a happy time, a time before Blair decided to embark on selective regime change after prayers with a United States president who hailed from Texas, and started being selective with…shall we say..certain factual material.
While Quentin Davies shuffled across the floor from the Conservative Opposition benches to much fanfare; my own move over to the Conservative benches barely raised a murmur. This, as it happens, was most useful to me and I met some very fine people like Duckhouse Viggers and Hogg ‘The Moat’, who explained the intricacies of the expenses system to me. Many happy hours were spent, I can tell you, poring over the John Lewis catalogue and checking the fine print in the Green Book… but there we are.
Suffice it to say that my own political future is secure. Iain Dale has, as near as dammit, told me so personally with his blog post earlier today that we can expect a 12 seat majority in the next Parliament. As I come from an extreme right and entirely unelectable wing of the Conservative party - had I not been fortunate in representing a constituency where they wear tweed coats (they do not call them jackets) and red trousers – all will be well.
The great ‘Plot’ from the Hoon-Hewitt Novelties Co (Established 2010) appears to have fizzled out and dear Matthew Paris, a former MP, must have had hours of pleasure constructing an elaborate analysis and in coming to the conclusion that far from failing as a plot…it succeeded.
His central theme was that Hoon-Hewitt knew perfectly well that they could not succeed and with no prospect of a meaningful career in politics remaining, they decided to give the prime minister a kick in the political balls. Political commentators and newscasters, taking a break from reporting endlessly about snow while they stood around in the stuff, had varying degrees of success in keeping up with events last week and Nick Robinson – who really is barely intelligible at times, had absolutely no success at all in terms of political prognostication. Asked by Andrew Neil on The Daily Politics whether there was any truth in the rumour that a plot was coming, Robinson indulged in a bit of sycophantic laughter and said that Neil was ‘right to place no credence in the idea’. About ten minutes later the great ‘sayer of sooths’ was on BBC News solemnly reporting on the ‘Coup’.
A few of us from the entirely unelectable end of the party - if we didn’t have the good fortune to represent constituencies in the Tory shires – did enjoy Guido’s film over lunch at Claridges. It really is worth a watch..and while you are at it.. you might care to look at the latest GuyNews: Save our Gordon edition where my brother Charon QC is, somewhat implausibly, making a guest appearance right at the end.
While Cameron is enjoying his place under the sun lamp – or so it would seem from his heavily photoshopped appearance on the latest poster from Tory HQ – George Osborne has been very quiet. This, some of us suspect, is because he doesn’t have a great deal to say and does not wish to add to the impression that we have no fixed policies and fuel the creeping realisation by voters that we may not have a clue…. after the debacle of David’s appalling performance earlier in the week. I know that there have been murmurings that George may have been..shall we say… over promoted ……and that we would do better with Ken ‘The Bruiser’ Clarke as Chancellor.
Osborne’s crazy admission
Montgomerie Andrew Rawsley’s column today:
“Mr Osborne raised some eyebrows at a recent private meeting in the City when he was heard to remark that ’40% of my time is spent on economics’ – meaning that most of his hours are spent on campaigns and tactics. Mr Osborne seemed to think that 40% was an impressively large amount of his time to find to spend on economics; some of his audience thought it was a worryingly low proportion for the man who expects to be chancellor in less than a year’s time.….Of course, it’s no secret that Osborne has other responsibilities within his party. But for him to push this “40 percent” line during an economic crisis is utterly bizarre, and will just fuel chatter that he’d be better off elsewhere in the Tory operation.”
Tories blast ‘utter failure’ on grit reserves
This allowed that most subversive of Labour MPs on Twitter, Tom Harris MP, to post this tweet earlier today.
As I am on the subject of Twitter… I did enjoy this…
Cam The Man, as I believe some PR and advertising mavens are thinking of calling him to appeal to Sun readers… came up with this on Thursday.“We’ve got to have an election and a change of government,” Cameron told Radio 4′s Today programme. “Gordon Brown has only been prime minister for a couple of years and is in deep trouble.”
I resisted the impulse to tell Sir Harry Blundering-Smythe MP (We were taking breakfast together on expenses at Browns Hotel – Tory backbenchers of a ‘certain cut’ like a bit of irony) – who looks after the adjoining constituency, that should David become First Lord of The Treasury and Prime Minister he could probably manage to get into deep merde within a couple of weeks.
Anyway.. they have now come up with another wheeze… Go for an immediate election. ToryBear was certainly up for bringing it on on Sky. This is a marvellous idea. Not only have we not got nearly enough policies worked out yet – which the electorate will swallow with the enthusiasm of a binge drinking fellatrix on a night out in her high heels and short skirt - we’ve still got Chris Grayling, Shadow Home Secretary, lurking out there in the deep, like a latter day JAWS, giving demonstrations to all and sundry on how to kill burglars to prepare them for the happy day when we return to our rightful place as the ‘Ayatollahs of New Britain’.
On that note, ladies and gentlemen… as they used to say on Crimewatch… don’t have nightmares… it is only politics…
You know what to do with your ballot paper
Good on you…
My brother Charon QC has asked me to insert a drawing he has just knocked up… to give a bit of political balance to this postcard of mine.
This is beyond parody. I have never been keen on Brown… but this ain’t good for Labour either. I assume, of course, the Mr Watt is aware of the law of this country in relation to accuracy and libel.
My postscript of last night has been superceded by my post today: A matter of principle or principal?