Barbecue man returns… argghhhhh….

So with the predictability of “Phew Wot a Scorcha” on the year’s hottest day being the headline in The Sun – today, as the sun shone, Britain’s men went down to B&Q, Homebase or their local garage forecourt, like stampeding Wildebeest,   to purchase a device that would allow them to run their own private crematorium.

Barbecue Man is BACK!

Barbecue Man is not, necessarily, a stupid man – for this particular affliction crosses class and intelligence divides.  For some men it even puts them in the same species as the rest of us.

Doctors, writing in The Lancet, say that the patient presents with minor second degree burns, often red scorch marks on his forehead and nose and with respiratory problems from breathing in kerosene soaked wood smoke.  In extreme cases the patient suffers from the delusion that he can cook.

I can, and do, cook.  I enjoy cooking.  I even watch chefery programmes on TV.  A lot of men I know cannot cook.  In a world where restaurants are closed, they would die.  Why these men who preside over their new toy, usually dressed in an absurd apron,  think that kerosene soaked wood infusing a cremated steak or horrendous frozen burger burnt beyond napalm on the outside, raw inside, is going to appeal, I do not know.  Charles Darwin is silent on the matter.  I have attended barbecues where these men are cooking.  I simply say to them as they call us out to dinner… “Just chuck mine into the fire… I’m into recycling.”

I continue writing the world’s longest Blawg Review… it will be published on the stroke of midnight on Sunday night/Monday morning… if I am still sober.

5 thoughts on “Barbecue man returns… argghhhhh….

  1. Ahhh Bar-B-Q Man. Characterised by his singed eyebrows ( or in the worst case scenario a complete ABSENCE of same) and orange fingers – the result of constant , if not continual immersement in Tesco’s Variety Barbeque Packs (where even sausages, troublingly, are covered in the self same ICK as chicken and burgers). Latently to be found, of a summer’s evening ,seated beneath his patio heater sippng chilled beer out of a luridly coloured plastc tumbler that tries to pretend that its glass…..! O how I have missed him!!! 🙂

  2. Hello LawMinx… always a pleasure to see you on the blog… i HATE barbecues… I ALWAYS eat before, simply vbecause I do not want to die from war crimes or Ebola.

  3. I can’t stand them either to be honest – the sheer ORANGEY colour of ALL the food ( salads included) is a distinct off putter – well, that and campylobacter ( a singular bug whose acquaintance I had the misfortune of making at a friends “out door roast” last year!

    What IS it about serving food to people that’s burnt on one side and uncooked on the other?! ( and ORANGE??!)

  4. Lawminx,

    Life is too short to BBQ a roast. Much better is to make kebabs, prawns, scallops,stuffed squid, meatballs etc. They cook quickly, require no carving and do not result in poisoned guests.

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