22 September: Postcard from The Boat (2)

Having written Postcard from The Boat (1) yesterday – here is Postcard (2).

This morning I chose a different cafe just off The King’s Road.  I have been there many times – the food is good and I can sit outside, smoke, read my papers and, especially if it is cold and slightly drizzly, I am usually on my tod.  This morning, however, in a late climatic rally, the sun was out and so were the weird people.  Some would call them chavs.  Two over nourished female barrage balloons with hair drawn off their faces and held in a pony tail to make themselves look even more over-nourished waddled about and sat down at the tables nearest the cafe door. They were soon joined by a bloke with a moustache wearing Chelsea FC football strip. The Polish waitress took their order, smiling away, but even she found it difficult to maintain her composure when man with moustache farted – a ripper that GAZPROM could probably have sold on the natural gas market.

I’m afraid that I was unable to contain myself and started laughing in a mildly manic way, like a weird guy on the Tube, prompting the barrage balloons to swivel in my direction. I was reading The Observer and, rather than state the obvious and congratulate the man on his remarkable expertise I pointed to an article I was reading, muttered away like Boris Johnson,  and continued reading. I watched out of the corner of my eye as these weird people started eating.  They did not appear to understand cutlery.  Further farting followed… with the odd belch.  It was not a good start to the day.  Thankfully I was only having a coffee. I had to leave. Chelsea is a curious place – more observations on The King’s Road in later postcards.

And now to something vaguely sensible:

I produce, as regular readers will know, an online magazine; a newswire where I focus on news, current events in the law and profile, as best I can, the posts of law bloggers when they write about law. I have revived the Insitelaw blog and plan, each day, rather than use the website, to post articles and commentary on the blog and enjoy an easier life where search engines, filing and the like is all done by WordPress.  So – if you fancy a bit of law and news, a daily legal news podcast and some commentary – please visit Insitelaw. All FREE.  Now the long summer is over I shall be posting most days – probably every weekday. If you would like to write something for Insitelaw (no money in it, I’m afraid) I will be delighted to publish.  My email is on the magazine website and on the blog. Will start posting to blog from tomorrow – only intro stuff on there at the moment.

Insitelaw Magazine | Insitelaw Blog

Drink is the scourge of the drinking classes
I was speaking to White Rabbit yesterday about life, the universe and a plan to have a glass or two when he informed me that Jimmy Bastard’s blog Nevermindthebollix was down.  I checked… it was indeed.  I emailed JB to ask if the Polis had hacked in or if he was planning some cunning developments to the blog.

I received an email back – but his comment on his blog explains all: “In Early September 2008, after imbibing a serious amount of alcohol, enough to kill several Priests, Jimmy clumsily sent his world famous collection of several thousand observations on life as we know it, into cyber space. They remain there to this day. A story not to be missed, a man not to be ignored. Jimmy Bastard still pulls no punches as he relaunches his 3rd blog as he see’s it.”

I have suggested that there may be a government grant to assist in the retrieval of web heritage material and it is to be hoped that Nevermindthebollix is restored to full and rude health soon.

BREAKING NEWS 23.20 Hrs Sunday 22 September: We interrupt the scheduled programmes tonight to announce that shortly after 23.00 hrs GMT tonight, there have been developments in the Nevermindthebollix saga.  We go over now to Ron Knee for the true story

and… it is worth a visit!

Ed of Blawg Review sent me the details of a blog called Feral Strumpet written by Allyson Shaw, ex-pat novelist and poet living in London. In her own words: “This is my blog about loving London. About hating London. About homesick dissonance and the gift of distance. About my wet island home.”  I’ve started to dip in.  Good stuff – and if you want a different take on London have a look at Feral Strumpet

Ed of Blawg Review also notified us all through his blog that the next host of Blawg Review, Peter Black, an aussie academic, is going to be publishing Blawg Review #178 on Twitter as well as on his blog.  Good grief!…  using Twitter for something sensible…. I thought it was only our American and canadian friends who did this.  I’m afraid I abuse Twitter -and do not intend to change my ways.  I shall, however, take a look at Peter Black’s Twittered review.

POLITICIANS… and what has been happening recently

Gordon Brown is in the midst of telling the nation that he is the only man for the job, crushing rebellions, and appearing on The Andrew Marr Show.  Guido was not impressed.  I agree.  Marr was not as his best. Perhaps he thought he was presenting Strictly Come Dancing… who knows?  It was not incisive. Brown rambled through it and escaped unscathed.  The questions were anodyne.  We need Paxo for interviews with Brown. The Official website of The Prime Minister’s Office website has had a makeover. They are at the cutting edge – twitter, Flickr, YouTube videos… the lot.  If you are a GCSE  student, you will find it a useful source of historical research material for your project.   If you are, however, looking for any news, comment, analysis, then the site is not for you.

Fat Bigot has many interesting observations on his blog – but his latest considers the convention that US and UK politicans do not comment on each other’s electioneering. Worth a read – as is his analysis of Credit-crunch and last week’s banking crisis.

Iain Dale has an amusing ascerbic commentary on Sir Alan Sugar’s support of Brown at the Labour Party conference – contrasting it with rather different remarks made by the then Mr Alan Sugar in 1992.

And finally, in this brief political round up… The BBC reports that Gordon Brown is going to be tough with ridiculous City bonuses.  How he is actually going to frame legislation to thwart contractual arrangements is another matter…. but perhaps another rule book can be toirn up and thrown out of the window?  And the increasingly shrill Hazel Blears seems to think that Gordon Brown lacks emotional intelligence, but accepts that women do it differently. The Independent reports: “The tiny but perfectly formed figure of Hazel Blears has collapsed into giggles. I have just suggested that her department’s new “£1bn housing market rescue plan” brings to mind the words “pissing” and “wind”.

“I perhaps wouldn’t have put it so graphically” says the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, 52, when she recovers her composure. “I think that’s probably a male way of putting it. Because women do it differently – we do, trust me on that.”

Well that’s all for this week from The Boat… a long week past, a long week ahead.  I suspect there will be more shocks to come and I suspect also that last week’s record FTSE bounce may well bounce down again before too long.  We shall soon find out.

One for Family lawyers…. although of general appeal, sent in by a very good friend, a female barrister currently living in Australia.

“A man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says, ‘If you keep on behaving like this, you’ll lose ALL your friends’

Regards, as always

14 thoughts on “22 September: Postcard from The Boat (2)

  1. Dear Sir,

    I have this afternoon written a strongly worded letter to the PM in regard to obtaining funds for the retrieval of my lost blog files.
    Sadly, the PM was unavailable to comment, but I did receive a reply from someone called Gordon Brown.

    It would seem that there is more chance of a National Hog Roast Weekend being hosted in Islamabad than my files being located amongst the space debris and black holes left behind by the Hadron Particle Collider.

    Mr Brown was kind enough however to send me the names and addresses of every MI5 agent in London and the Home Counties, by way of a memory stick.

    I have of course crossed my heart and hoped to die should I not return it when I have finished with the content.
    It will be left on the seat of the 9:15pm Intercity Express to Northampton’s Castle Station as promised this Friday.

    My only course of action is now for me to start immediate litigation against the Smirnoff Company for not labelling their beverage bottles about the perils of drinking more than 4 litres in an afternoon..

    I firmly believe that if a warning had been printed clearly for consumers to see, I would not have turned into a drunken Tw*t and deleted my files.

    I would appreciate your help in advising me of any legal people you may have dealings with. I am prepared to pay up to £5 per hour should we need to engage some of the top people.

    your humble servant,

    James Ba’stard Esquire

  2. Dear James

    As I sat riding the tide on Das Boot, writing emails in Russian to President Medvedev and Prime Minister Putin – and enjoying a glass of Rioja – my thoughts were interrupted by a *ping* – heralding the arrival of your post on my blog.

    Having viewed the issue of binge drinking carefully, carrying out fairly thorough research into the conceptual and phsyiological aspects of same, and having, for some years, been interested in the laws of Tort (You call them Delict in Scotland, I understand) I certainly recommend immediate legal action – both generally and specifically.

    As it happens, only recently, the News of The World carried an advertisement for a Personal Injury Claims Farm – who will give you a cash advance of £250 when you instruct them and, if they think you have a winnable case, they will ensure you get all the money.

    What they mean of course, is that you will get the damages but they will seek their costs from the losing side. I have no personal knowledge of these operations – but if The News of The Screws is happy to take their lucre they must be doing quite well to afford such adverts and I’d certainly give them a go. I forget the name of the firm for the moment and as I give my NOTW to the Oxfam Shop up the road after reading it (in a tasteful black plastic bag along with everything else I want to chuck out), I cannot lay my hands on it. Ring The Editor… nice chap. I’m sure he will help.

    I will also – although I do not do this as a service on the blog – have a discreet word with people I know who do a bit of this sort of law and see what they say.

    In the meantime… you may be able to capture some of what you have lost, possibly, by using Google search cached pages???

    I shall reflect, cogitate and drink some more – and see if I can come up with something. The £250 cashback from the claims farmer will go some way to providing further stock of Vodka – and you could then have another ‘keyboard moment’. Get onto Norwich Union first… mind.

    All the best as we say on the boat as we shoot another duck for dinner.


  3. Advocatus Diaboli….. You are right… we have….

    But… now I am independent…… I can have Torts….. Good to hear from you. Trust all well. Doing some sensible things by day with Insite…. quite enjoy two blogs….

    Trust all good with you?

    We should speak soon…..

  4. Indeed Charon, all is well with me, although I do find myself feeling a bit seasick reading your blog these days…

    If Torts makes you happy, then who am I to argue?!

    We should speak, I am sure – you know how to get hold of me…

    AD 🙂

  5. “Oh my good gawd!” Has the King’s Road tumbled downhill to that extent? I can still remember walking down that road with my friends – my father used to refer to them as “fiends”! I did used to try to tell him that he didn’t have to come down the King’s Road with us as well.

    As for the “Two over nourished female barrage balloons with hair drawn off their faces” it would appear to me that these chavs have sooo much free spending loot available that they can actually afford to have their hair drawn on by some itinerant artist instead of having to endure the long process of sitting in a hairdressers.

    Sorry, it must be the booze.

    BTW I have started to wear a “hoodie” top while I blog. Just an hour ago I threw myself out of my own house for swearing.

    A passing thought – If Alan Sugar gets too much of himself, could he develop diabetes?

  6. Very amusing blog Charon and thanks for the attribution……

    Just wish I was living in England and Wales, actually. Is it possible to live in 2 places at once? (or even seemingly 3 in my case!).

    No problem. Like you and AD on tort, you and I have been round this one before.

    Always great to read you, dear friend.

  7. Cybil

    Excellent…. I may have been cracking open the bottle when I wrote ‘England & Wales’ instead of Australia. Edited now!

    Keep the jokes coming…. I shall give you a call when I get Skype sorted and will email soon!


  8. charon, charon, charon, we have been through this. if you are reduced to getting sane comment on current affairs from two sources (Guido and iaian dale and his unnecessary vowel) who are about as balanced as your leaky prison hulk in a force 10, then your weltanschauung is going to be rather skewed. just stick to reading the sediment in the bottom of your rioja bottle – a source in far better taste than either of those two frothers and with a substantially higher likelihood of telling you something useful.
    can a fart constitute a rylands v fletcher tort? (it wasn’t the chelsea bun was it?) just remember you are a newcomer to down-market chelsea (anything past world’s end) and lay off the aboriginal population.

  9. Bonjour SW

    I have to say that both Guido and Iain (The Scots spelling of Ian) do amuse me – but it is the industrial strength nutters who comment on Guido’s website who provide the real entertainment.

    Yes… Chelsea Bun it was… good little cafe – nice people – but yesterday was spectacular. The builders go to Mona Lisa.

    Yes… Chelsea is new, yet old, to me. Knew it rather too well 10-15 years ago.. I am a reformed character now….

    I have, in a long teaching career of 25 years never (a) had to whether or (b) been asked if a fart can constitute tort within Rylands v Fletcher.

    I shall consider further and come back to you. May have to do some research into older caselaw when farting was a national pastime given the diet of the day.

    At the same time I shall consider the ‘nervous shock’ implications of a fart in terms of the reasonable man et al.

    I’m glad I do not have to consider this matter in the serious theatre of a lecture room at a well known college. Mind you… have been asked some very amusing questions by students in my time – all to the good.

    PS… I do read about 5 newspapers a day.. mix of paper and online of course.

  10. the reasonable man should have high powers of resilience to farts, the reasonable woman does not as ladies don’t do it and any female of sense coupled to a man has a cork handy.

    in case you seek to trawl norse jurisprudence, i believe pfeistan was the ME for fart derived form the Old Norse.

    papers all full of lies…

    ah the chelsea bun – we hung out there when i was working at the man in the moon (now some weird wine bar with a name consisting of a number i think). we ate at the stockpot (‘stockpotato’ as we called it) and did 6 shows of three different plays from aphra behn to tina howe each week. i was in all three – a hell of a lot of lines to learn.
    chimes at midnight, master shallow…

  11. SW… had dinner at Stockpot t’other evening with a friend – astonishingly good value and food also good plain cooking.

    Quite an amusing place. Shall have a look at my Norse resources.

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