Last month the news broke that Gordon Brown was making phonecalls to unsuspecting members of the British public. Yesterday, the News of The World reported that The Queen had been thinking about setting up premium rate phone lines to allow the British public to call and get a message from the Royals – to help pay for the double glazing at Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle.
“The Queen’s team had several strategies planned for making the dial-a-royal scheme work. Loyal subjects could ring in and PLEDGE their dosh, along with their allegiance, to the cause. Or they could call a pricey PREMIUM RATE number and listen to a personal plea and thank-you from Her Majesty. The longer they stayed on the line, the more they’d donate.”
I happened to imagine making a premium rate call to the Duke of Edinburgh.
Charon: Hello… is that The Duke of Edinburgh?
Duke: Yes… who the bloody hell are you?
Charon: A member of the British public.
Duke: A what? Are you British?, do you have any money and, if so, how much do you want to pledge?
Charon: How much are you trying to raise?
Duke: £32 million and if that goes well, perhaps a bit more on top. That insufferable prime minister doesn’t want to give us any more money and the hices are crumbling… rotting away.
Charon: Hice?… what is a hice?
Duke: It’s where we live. Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, Sandringham, Balmoral. Our hices.
Charon: Ah… got you. Any of your hices burned down again yet? Mind you, not many Royals smoke now and those who did are all departed. Have you considered a bit of Jewish lightning?
Duke: What? What is Jewish lightning?
Charon: A Jewish friend of mine told me about this years ago – a bit of arson, subtle… and then claim on the insurance.
Duke: Good grief man! We can’t do anything like that! Now are you going to cough up or not?
Charon: I’m afraid not… a bit short at the moment, like everyone else in the country – but good to talk. Bye.
Duke: Bugger orf….