Muttley Dastardly LLP: You’re hired!….

Transcript of telephone conversation between Eva Braun, PA to Matt Muttley, and Matt Muttley. Friday 28th March 0630 hours.

Braun: Hi Matt… how ya hanging?

Muttley: Good, Eva… in fact… very good. Excuse me darling, I have to take this call from my PA, Eva…….. Eva… sorry… my Mother decided to come over for breakfast and some advice on offshore trusts.

Braun: Yeah right… so since when do you call your Mother ‘Darling’? Another Estonian lap dancer needing urgent advice on tax planning? Do you want me to record the time?

Muttley: OK…OK… not billable…. so what gives?

Braun: Matt… I was watching ‘The Apprentice’ last night. Fantastic barrister… got fired by the garden gnome, but exactly the right socio-psychopathic profile for us. Have spoken to Dr Strangelove about him and he agrees. We should bring him in with a view immediately.

Muttley: Usual First, top law school, no failures, arrogant, dysfunctional?

Braun: Not sure about the dysfunctional bit, but he can’t talk about football and appears to have a supersized ego and opinion of himself. He can also paint, so could be put to work doing artwork for reception at quiet times. He has his own website – this guy has it all and he is not shy about telling everyone.

Muttley: OK… send me the URL and info and I’ll get a memo out. If you could arrange a taxi for Mother… I’ll let her out by the partner’s lift.. I’ll be out in five.


From: Matt Muttley, Managing Partner
To: All Partners
cc: Dr Strangelove, Head of Training
Date: 28th March 2008

Eva has sent me the cv of a young recently qualified barrister who appeared on BBC reality show ‘The Apprentice’ the other night. This young man appears to have all the qualities we look for in our trainees and staff. We also need to harden up our advocacy unit as well.

As you know, I am a keen supporter of law blogs and Victorian Maiden at Ruthie’s Law has a most useful analysis:

“Nicholarse has the lot. From the time at which he put the boot into his team leader and allowed Raef to take responsibility for it; to his last-ditch insistence that being unable to work out 30% of a total and then add it on to the original price to produce a profit was not his fault but someone else’s, Nick was supreme. Never mind that commercial work would appear beyond our boy – Nick can sneer with the best. And, of course, Nick ensured that the viewer knew he was a barrister. This, apparently, gave him an edge. Other contestants quailed at the thought of facing Nick in the Boardroom. ”

Partners may wish to view Mr De Lacy-Brown’s website – a monument to himself.

De Lacy-Brown writes… “It was Virgil who stated in his Ecologues: ‘Non omnia possumus omnes’ (We can’t all do everything), a statement which many have been happy to oblige. In Nicholas de Lacy-Brown however, there lies a man who is prepared to question such apathy. Undoubtedly a man of many talents, he has lived his short twenty-four years with a vivacity and boldness which few could achieve in a lifetime…”

He has appropriate academic qualifications – usual first, decent university and an ‘”Outstanding on the BVC”. Of rather more importance to us, is not the objective judgment of academics and purveyors of BVC courses, but his own assessment of himself. (See above)

He can paint as well – so could be very useful, at quiet times, doing a bit of decorating around the office and, of course, adding to our extensive library of artwork displayed in reception. He speaks Spanish – do we have any Spanish clients?

As he managed to get himself fired in Episode 1 of The Apprentice – he may well be available. Let me know your thoughts on this. My only concern is that he may be a figment of imagination and may not actually exist. Research on Google does not appear to reveal which set he is a pupil at. Eva is on the case.

14 thoughts on “Muttley Dastardly LLP: You’re hired!….

  1. Dear Mr Muttley,

    Despite the fact that you are an emiment City Lawyer, and occaisionaly wont , on occasion, to make decisions which are less that surreptitious, I would urge you to look elsewhere, in the name of staff and , more importantly,client sanity, for an occaisional painter, decorator and self aggrandising philosopher; I fear the artwork would give clients – new and old alike- nightmares, while staff would feel as if they were experiencing an Acid Flashback; this latter experience would be particularly cruel, since the staff think that acid is something placed in the batteries of cars.



  2. Jailhouselawyer…

    A quick search for an English to Latin translator threw up a result:

    per proprius manus manus

    (By one’s own hand)

    Best I can do, I’m afraid. It is early… far too early for a glass of Rioja

  3. i imagine anyone who has spent time inside knows plenty about per proprius manus manus (which i have to say is right up there with all the legal (non)latin i have seen.) does it mean he uses both hands?

    we all know this letter from mr muttley is a fraud. solicitors trying to take a barrister on a contract… is that likely? as one reader of gulliver’s travels is reputed to have said ‘i don’t belive half of it is true!’ (i paraphrase and am too lazy to look it up properly). mr muttley should have nothing to do with imaginary people, if you ask me.

  4. Simply Wondered….

    But… can you be absolutely sure that Mr Muttley of MD LLP does not exist?

    SW…. It may surprise you – but quite a few who qualified as barristers now work in solicitor firms – and some disbar themselves and transmogrify into solicitors. Fairly straightforward these days… it seems.

    I have a good friend who is a Silk – now a partner at a well known firm of solicitors and still a Silk – did he get Silk for the first or second time as a solicitor advocate?

    Mr Muttley… is, of course, a creation of a very poor literary form… ‘mine own’…. and, therefore, at my disposal for whim, pastiche and the occasional bit of footbal for the England Football Team…. I rather like the idea that Mr Capello may pick Matt Muttley to be his next experimental captain of the England footer team….

    Anyway…. in credit-crunch ‘entente formidable’ Britain… I don’t really care that much tonight about accuracy….

    And… to answer your question… the barrister from The Apprentice may well have had to use both hands… but… that is not a matter of record, nor interest to me…

    Fortunately, it does not matter what I think of De Lacy-Brown’s paintings, his snobbery, his future at The Bar.. or, indeed, anything else he gets up to.. By the time he is a judge, or a ‘national treasure’, I’ll be a goner…

  5. stop it charon – you’re making me go all weepy! you a goner? i thought you were long gone anyway afer all that overpriced rioja – had an excellent bottle the other day and incredibly reasonable – if you’re one of those sad people who drink at home (as i do now i have kids) i will dig out the reference for you. knocks campo viejo into a cocked toreador’s hat and marginally cheaper. maybe you could persuade the bollo to get it in. as they don’t have to pay london rent the markup might not be too steep.

    de lacy for captain and muttley for manager.

    i always wondered which half of gulliver he thought WAS true.
    once i have pupillage sorted i shall bring you over some truly excellent spanish stuff (not that spain is my forte – my little expertise is more in port and claret – you see i am a traditionalist after all) to thank you for sustaining me with your excellent postings. we can ask lady robinson to entertain us with her wit and geek can come and be foul-mouthed at random people. oh the fun we’ll have!

    chin up old fellow – you can sell consilio tv to bpp and retire on the proceeds. you appear to be on our live feeds list!

    and bollocks to the credit crunch. back to my treatise on intellectual property rights.

  6. SW… did say I’d be a goner when Nicholas De Lacy-Brown was a judge. It takes many years to become a judge. I shall be fantastically senile by that time.

    Yes…. it would be good to drink with you. I am often at the Bollo – usually siting outside in a bright yellow ski jacket or an Australian stockman coat sipping wine and smoking.

    Curiously I know the man who founded BPP law school back in 1990.

    I am planning my Weekend review – unconstrained by the need to restrain myself.

    My Blog RSS feed seems to have stopped working on pageflakes. I’ll try and sort it out.

  7. you’ll be a goner by the time he’s a judge and i’ll be a large purple cat called eric.

    do you know the b or one of the ps? they do rather like to take it vis a vis the fees. they seem to think you should pay 10k of your bvc fee by august!!!! yes i’ll be very happy to offer them credit – would like to charge them a sensible rate for it though.
    it’s how we keep our costs so low – my arse.
    do you know how many bottles of rioja that would buy???

    bright yellow ski jacket eh? even i should find that hard to miss.

  8. nice – emailed to ask if being fronted as it is by martin fernando it was a ‘real’ (as in madrid) offer. i can find no other clues in this jape. have i missed something obvious?
    and how many poor bvc students will apply in earnest?

  9. piece in times report saying it casts doubts on the bvc…? hunh? surely if it can get this guy pupillage it must be doing something right! i shall see if they have any pool places wherever he went.

  10. I note that Mr De-Lacy’s website now makes no mention of his appearance on the apprentice. His biography it would appear is also undergoing some surgery.

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