The Telegraph reported today: “Earthquake Shakes Britain but damages very little”
“It was, ultimately, a very British earthquake: no collapsed buildings or bridges, no death or mayhem”
However… just in… a report sent to me by a friend of mine this morning…. you may have seen it. It has been doing the ’rounds’…
NUNEATON EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
A major Earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours with its epicentre in Camp Hill. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering ‘Foooockinel, where’s the buuuuuuzzzz’.
The quake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca, the Costa Del Sol and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Mercia Sound reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Nuneaton . One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, ‘It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning.’
Apparently burglaries, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Frosty Jack Cider to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps – Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) – Shell suits (female) – White socks – Rockport boots – Any other items usually sold in New Look.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and rola cola for a family of 9.
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
‘Where are you bleeding from?’ they asked.
‘Stockingford’ said the girl, ‘woss that gotta do wiv you?