A very British earthquake…

The Telegraph reported today: “Earthquake Shakes Britain but damages very little”

By Nick Britten Paul Stokes and Richard Alleyne of The Telegraph:

“It was, ultimately, a very British earthquake: no collapsed buildings or bridges, no death or mayhem”

However… just in… a report sent to me by a friend of mine this morning…. you may have seen it. It has been doing the ’rounds’…

A major Earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours with its epicentre in Camp Hill. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering ‘Foooockinel, where’s the buuuuuuzzzz’.

The quake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca, the Costa Del Sol and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Mercia Sound reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Nuneaton . One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, ‘It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning.’

Apparently burglaries, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Frosty Jack Cider to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps – Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) – Shell suits (female) – White socks – Rockport boots – Any other items usually sold in New Look.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and rola cola for a family of 9.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

‘Where are you bleeding from?’ they asked.

‘Stockingford’ said the girl, ‘woss that gotta do wiv you?

8 thoughts on “A very British earthquake…

  1. But Charron – this article does NOT mention Happy Prince Harry and his war agaisnt the Wicked Taliban.

    Didn’t you realise that he is fighiting them single handed?

    This justifies the wall-to-wall coverage of his heroic struggle on every news channel and newspaper.

    The fact that you have dared to publish a news story WITHOUT mentioning Ginger Harry – is a Bleedin’ DISGRACE

  2. Mr Pineapples…

    I have seen the coverage about “Prince Harry in Afghanistan” … but … and I will confess to this… I have been lazy about this story… I have relied on the British Press to bring the matter to our attention… and as they seem to be in a feeding frenzy, gorged on a few minutes of footage and anecdote and filmed interviews…. and self satisfied with their uncharaceristic ability to control their collective premature ejaculation and publish to be damned …. I shall, I am afraid, have to leave it to the Fourth Estate… to enjoy their moment of glory, revel in the fact that they ‘held back’… and allow them to enjoy their moment of orgasm now that someone else has broken ranks. I suspect…. that the press may well have a post-coital cigarette now… and we will be able to read of other matters in the papers or watch / listen to other things in the media now.

    As for Harry… I am glad he was able to do something he wanted to do. … but… the coverage was, shall we say, a bit over the top.

    In fact… it was a bit of a ‘Drudge’….. to coin a phrase. I wonder if Mr Drudge… journalist of the year, the alleged ‘newsbeaker’, … will be getting a visit, literal or cyberspatial, from those who felt that he was not sensible to disclose this information to the world. Certainly… he has received some rather robust comments on the net…. and his blog may well be ‘extraordinarily rendited’ … who knows…??

    I do hope, Mr Pineapples… that you are not confusing me, given your spelling of my ‘nom de plume’, with “Charron Stone” ?

    It is many years since I have crossed my legs in a provocative manner… but… and I don’t suppose anyone really needs to know this… ‘going commando’ is the way to go….

  3. Pingback: Mr Pineapples shakes me to the earth’s core… « Charon QC…the blawg

  4. Pingback: CharonQC now as bad as Geeklawyer? « The Squat

  5. A very British response to a very British earthquake: on the Radio 4 NewsQuiz (Friday) — a woman was woken at the the shudder at the epicentre and reported as saying, ‘I thought my husband had farted in bed’. As a sexually voracious female newsreader was reported to have told her lover some years ago, ‘F*@k me, f*@ me, till I fart.’

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *