I’m on a plane…. Yeah…. A f*****g plane….

The Times reports today: Ofcom is planning to licence aircraft to link up with base stations, enabling passengers to use their mobile phones.

Great. Bloody marvellous. Imagine sitting back after eating an airline meal, washed down with a decent bottle, to watch a film or sleep. In the next row Mr Tedious, tired of talking about himself for the last two hours, decides to call his pissed up mates at the Dog & Duck and shout at them in that particularly irritating way beloved of mobile users who have not quite worked out that the microphones on mobiles are fairly receptive.

The conversation may well go something like this:

Mr Tedious: “Hi… yeah… it’s me… Terry Tedious. I am on a plane… yeah…. a f*****g plane. …. Yeah…. I’m using my mobile….. What do you mean ‘am I coming down’?
Pissed mate at Dog & Duck: That you, Tezza?
Mr Tedious: Yes… I am on a plane.
Pissed mate at Dog & Duck: Are you coming down?
Mr Tedious: How often do I have to tell you… I’m on a plane…
Pissed mate at Dog & Duck: Why you on a plane Tezza?
Mr Tedious: I’m on a plane because I’m flying to a conference.
Pissed mate at Dog & Duck: A what?…sorry, Tezza, you’re breaking up….
Mr Tedious: I’m on an aeroplane, mate… a plane.
Pissed mate at Dog & Duck: Where you flying to, Tezza?
Mr Tedious: Majorca, mate….
Pissed mate at Dog & Duck: So you’re not coming down to the pub tonight, Tezza?
Mr Tedious: Look mate … how can I come down to the bloody pub when I’m on a plane?
Pissed Mate at Dog & Duck: Yeah… it would be difficult. You really on a plane?…. I thought you couldn’t use mobiles on the plane because they interfere with the aircraft navigation systems and passengers with pacemakers.
Mr Tedious: No, mate… new technology…. I am phoning you from the plane.
Pissed mate at Dog & Duck: What you want to talk about, Tezza?
Pissed mate at Dog & Duck: Tezza?… you there, Tezza?…
Pissed mate at Dog & Duck – to his other pissed mates: Tezza’s on a plane…

Mercifully, The Chief Purser removed Mr Tedious’s phone and Mr Tedious is now restrained in the back row of the Economy section of the aircraft with a blue bag over his head and a curtain pulled around the seating.


A BBC story from the good old days… – A Saudi man is to be flogged as punishment for using a mobile telephone during an internal flight, according to a report in the Saudi press. BBC Story

2 thoughts on “I’m on a plane…. Yeah…. A f*****g plane….

  1. We will have to put up with not only the crass prattle of people who mistakenly think they are important, but also the inane ringtones. I can see the incidence of air rage going through the roof…

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